Returning to Relevé

I'm sure my fellow adult dancers can commiserate. What's the most frustrating, as someone who grew up dancing, is that I can't do things I used to be able to do. I was always a jumper growing up (especially grand allegro) and now I feel like I can't even get off the floor. Petit allegro is miserable for similar reasons, but also because I cannot get my brain and body to sync. I know the exercise beforehand and can mark it just fine, but once I actually start jumping my body just won't GO. I'm not sure how much of this is still weakness from not being able to dance for awhile and how much is...well...age. Ugh. Weirdly, though, I can do triple pirouettes now and never got those as a teen, so maybe its all in my head. Anyhoodle--updates! Ankle is definitely better--I finally finished PT last month! My flexibility still doesn't quite match on that side, so plies can be a little weird (especially in jumps...hmm). Its happiest when I'm using it-...

At the beginning of June, I traveled to Salt Lake City for the  artÉmotion Adult Ballet Summer Intensive , and it was THE BEST THING EVER. The classes were amazing, the teachers were amazing, the other dancers were amazing...I could go on and on. Plus Salt Lake City had some pretty amazing weather (sunny and hot all week, which I love). To sum up (I'll go into greater detail below), I HIGHLY recommend it and would do it again. In a heartbeat. With exclamation points!!  Side note: my ankle did fine, and I wasn't nearly as sore as I expected. More details on the program below for those that are curious.

"Plié is the first thing you learn and the last thing you master." -Suzanne Farrell This has always been one of my favorite dance quotes, because its so true. Throughout my dance training, teachers have always emphasized how important a good plié is. When I was teaching, I really made an effort to pass that advice on to my own students, though I don't think I really realized how far reaching it is. I'm currently struggling with an uneven plié and its making my life difficult. The flexibility of my right ankle (that'd be the Ankle of Doom ) still needs work. I can't get the same deep plié I can get on the other side. Landing jumps doesn't have the same squishy feel, and in pointe class recently, I struggled doing a simple tendu fondu to sous-sus en pointe (which requires a bit of a spring)--it was such a mess! I felt like I just could NOT push off the floor enough. Not to mention my complete inability to get off the floor for petit allegro. It's b...

Good news, everyone! Despite my complete lack of blogging (merp), I have actually been dancing. I've even performed in my home studio's winter and spring shows! Back in January I did a pointe assessment with my dance PT and managed to pass. She's been having me do relevés in pointe shoes on a reformer (and later at a barre) as part of my PT for awhile now, but it was still surprising to get the official "OK." That being said, I wasn't taking enough classes at the time (we're required to take three technique classes each week to do pointe), so I've been slowly adding to my class load, and only started doing pointe in class this month. The ankle is not 100%--it still gets quite grumpy from time to time, but its definitely better. It's been a very (painfully) slow process for sure. Anyway: the pointe shoe saga continues, more or less. When I started doing pointe as part of PT, I went and got a fitting, and was put into a Capezio Aria. T...

As many of you my know, World Ballet Day was last week, and like any proper ballet nerd I watched parts of the stream throughout the day. At some point during the broadcast, one of the hosts mentioned something about the Australian Ballet and relevés. This sounded vaguely familiar, and Googling brought up this video with Dr. Nancy Kadel briefly talking about it , and I recalled discussing it with my own dance PT. The theory is that doing 24 relevés (one foot at a time in parallel with control) helps build the calf and lower leg muscles thereby preventing injury and things like posterior impingement (oh hey!). During the Australian Ballet's broadcast during World Ballet Day this year, they also talked about it a bit, and showed the company class actually doing the relevés before leaving the barre (they have since removed the video, grr). Doing rises/relevés is actually part of my PT regimen, but to be honest I've been a little more lax about it lately because of the flare...

Good News: I'm still taking dance class. Bad News: As suspected, I've had to cut back on classes. I was originally attempting to take three ballet classes and one tap class but apparently this was TOO MUCH for the ankle to deal with (grumble), so I've had to cut back to just two ballet classes for the time being. I'm still getting tight in my peroneals/calf, and the PT also thinks that I still have some scar tissue from surgery to work out, but I feel like we're finally making a little progress again, though it was very much "two steps forward, one step back," for a bit. Definitely feel like I had to rewind and start over, but at least I'm still dancing. My PT has been working closely with the artistic director of another ballet school in town regarding dance medicine and injury prevention, and she suggested I try taking class with that AD because she would be able to really keep an eye on my shenanigans. I met with the AD yesterday, and it was ...

My last post was super uplifting, I know.  I was trying to think of something more fun to blog about afterwards, but my mood hasn't been helping. I'm feeling less depressed than I was, but still not great and now I'm super unmotivated. I've been really good about doing my PT since I started in December, but the last couple of weeks (since my leg/ankle flared up again) I've kind of been thinking to myself, "WHY am I torturing myself by doing all these things everyday when its doing NOTHING?"  That's not exactly a great frame of mind to be in. Anyway, I spotted this article from Pointe magazine on Facebook today: Got Goals? Here's How to Effectively Reach Them. It got me thinking, because I have given myself a fairly long-term goal and part of the reason I'm so frustrated is because I feel like the ankle is putting me behind schedule to reach said goal. To TL:DR the Pointe article, its better to set realistic short term goals than ve...

My dancing blog has turned into an ankle blog, but it can't be helped. This shit is rough, you guys. I have moments where I feel hopeful and excited, only to have something go sideways and I get depressed. I'm almost nine months post-op, and the sucker still hurts. Doing relevé  hurts. Pointing my foot still hurts. PLI É  hurts. I'm beginning to think I'm going to be in pain forever--I've had constant, varying amounts of pain since August/September 2015 (and before that it came and went depending on injections). That's TWO YEARS (plus). When will it end??? I have diligently done my PT exercises nearly every day since December. I've started retaking classes, only to have to cut back because it hurts too much. I don't know what to do anymore... I'm so depressed.

I had an epiphany last year, in the middle of all the ankle trials, that there will come a day when I won't be able to dance anymore.  I'm not ready for it to be quite so soon, so I promised myself that I would try to do something amazing when my ankle healed. My goal? To audition for the Rockettes . I'm mildly insane, I know (those ladies work HARD, and long hours. But they also get to wear amazing costumes .) I'm still working my way through my feelings about this decision: Me: Why not? I have a strong ballet background and do decently in jazz and tap (though I need to work on the latter two a bit). I definitely won't embarrass myself. Also Me: I'm insane, everyone else who auditions is 10+ years younger than I am. I'm too old, I definitely won't make it. Me: But maybe I could? Also Me: Girl, no , you can't even do wings in tap yet. Me:  Whatever. It would still be an amazing experience to go to Radio City and dance! My larger plan ...

At the end of May I saw my surgeon for my last post-op appointment (following an episode of peroneal tendinitis, because of course). Near the end of the appointment, he told me I could start dialing things back to normal, and that I was good to go (though I would get some pain at the ligament reconstruction site for awhile yet). I forget how it came up, but I remember him mentioning the athletes he works with and how, because I'm a dancer, he has placed me in that category. My response was, "I don't feel like an athlete!" Then, you guys, I got a pep talk. He told me to focus on the things I CAN do, not the things I can't. Everything will come back in time. Even little steps are steps. He reminded me that I'm not just recovering from surgery, I'm also recovering from all the stuff that came BEFORE. When I thanked him for the pep talk at the end of the appointment, he said, "I give a few a day." Ha! He's right, of course. I started ...

Apologies for the non-creative title, but that's literally all I can think right now. A picture of me right now. I'm still plugging away taking class/barre, still have pain in my jerk of a peroneal tendon, am still doing PT, and am still super unhappy about how out of shape I am. The level of my weakness is really sort of unreal. It's like I haven't taken class in six years, rather than just one. The work and progress I had made prior to the ankle drama has just vanished into thin air. It's incredibly frustrating.

(My blog title has never been more appropriate!) I've taken a grand total of three classes thus far (two the first week, once last week), and BOY HOWDY am I out of shape. We've only been doing plié, tendu, dégagé, plus a little foot work and grand battement at the end (the other student in class is brand new to ballet, so the teacher spent a bit of time explaining things). My muscles are screaming, but I secretly enjoy that--I feel like I know I've actually been doing work. All the PT stuff. I'm still getting grumpiness just under my incision and then back behind in "the zone" (its where I had all the pain before).  I talked to both the surgeon and PT about it because even though having pain would still be pretty normal for someone only four months post-op, I was fretting because its in a similar place to where I had pain originally. That being said, it does feel different--less of a pinch, not as deep--just tender. Luckily, neither are especially wo...

I'm not even sure where to begin; a lot has happened.  I suppose I should just start where I left off, back in OCTOBER. Saw AnkleDoctor. He agreed with the nurse's recommendation that I needed surgery, only he thought my problem was the FHL ( remember my good 'ole FHL ?), some instability, and likely some damage to the cartilage in my ankle joint. This was a happier prognosis than what I expected (believe it or not), because the nurse had originally talked about deepening the peroneal groove in my bone and stuff, eep! So I had surgery at the end of November 2016. They ended up doing a lot more than I expected (and I have more "holes" in my ankle than I thought I would!): One side of scars--not too bad looking these days! Checked my ankle joint for cartilage injuries and found two. To fix, they created little “potholes” and dug out the bad cartilage. Apparently the bone marrow fills back in over time (like tar), but limits my releve-type activities ...

So....the PRP didn't work. That's a bit of a lie, it worked a little bit (things are less "crunchy"), but not well enough that I'm better and able to dance. No, in fact, the doctor that gave me the PRP injection actually recommended that I go see an orthopedic surgeon that specializes in foot/ankle problems. Good times. So I've been waiting 3 months to get in to see AnkleDoctor's nurse (the "gatekeeper"), who one HAS to see prior to seeing the doctor. I saw her a week or so ago and she was basically like, "Girl, you've done everything else, I think we need to have AnkleDoctor do surgery to put your tendon in place and clean up the gunk in there." So, now I'm waiting AGAIN, this time to officially consult with the doctor. So, it looks like I'm surgery-bound. I just don't know when. Will I be able to dance in the winter show? Will I be hobbling around on crutches during Thanksgiving and Christmas? Only time will te...

Man, I have been on an adventure (if waiting for things to happen one month at a time can be called an adventure). I got an MRI in mid-May, and found out I had the following problems: Chronic tendonitis in my peroneal tendons (not surprised) with some possible subluxation (movement) of the tendons out of their proper placement (yuck). Inflammation in the front part of my ankle joint Bursitis in the bursa located behind the Achilles A small tear in my Achilles (?!) Basically, my ankle was a hot mess of inflammation from overuse. We're all shocked, I know.   I discussed the results with my PT and podiatrist, and the latter decided that she wanted me to get a surgeon's opinion (as she no longer does surgery). I ended up going back to the first podiatrist I'd seen when this first started a thousand years ago , and he decided the best thing for me to try at this point would be a PRP injection. PRP stands for platelet rich plasma. They take some of your blood, c...

I wish I could say that no news is good new but alas... I spent 4 weeks in the boot full-time (even sleeping), and another 2 weeks in it part-time (out at home, in everywhere else). As of yesterday, I am now boot free! YAY! Alas, the ankle feels EXACTLY THE SAME, so next week I'm off to get an MRI. Cross your fingers for me, everyone!

So. This is happening. After much frustration, and still feeling like the Ankle of Doom wasn't getting any better despite my best PTing efforts, I talked to the doctor and it was decided that I should try wearing The Boot in order to try and see if immobilization would calm things the heck down.  Since we have a two week dance break it seemed like a good time, but it turns out that I'm stuck in this sucker for FOUR WEEKS. Not only that, but because my body can't behave itself, I get to graduate to a tall boot next week (I'm wearing a short one in the pic above), because I'm still getting too much movement and my peroneal tendon is POPPING. Speaking of peroneal tendons popping, during the PT session prior to my doc visit, I noticed popping when I went to point my foot, and the PT said it may be peroneal instability (the doc agrees), which basically means my tendon is moving in and out of its groove (though not completely subluxing over the bone). This could ...

I keep mentioning the Graston technique , and thought perhaps it would be good to actually show you guys what it looks like. Here are some of the tools the PT uses on me: They really do look like torture implements, don't they? And here is a very short clip of her working the top part of my ankle/foot (she also does the back, but I flip onto my stomach for that and can't film it, heh!) I have a pretty high pain tolerance, and generally this doesn't actually feel terrible unless she hits a tender spot. I just hope it works! The PT says that everything feels better to her than it did just one month ago, though when I did some releves for her in pointe shoes the other day, I could feel/she could see that my flexibility in that ankle isn't quite there yet. I just want the pinching to go away :(

There are apparently stages of grief with injuries , and I think I've hit them all. One of my last posts was definitely during what I was thinking of as my "depression" stage, and today's post may very well fall under "acceptance." One of the newer exercises that the PT is having me do involves standing on one leg on the flat side of a Bosu ball and doing 15 rond de jambes (3 sets--my leg really feels it by the end)--without holding on to anything. The other folks there are thoroughly impressed with my ability to balance; I've taken to calling it my "circus act."  It has really been the inspiration to kick me out of my depression, because it has made me realize that I'll come out of all this even stronger than before. Maybe I'll even be able to do this: On releve! Can you imagine? (I can't really, but who knows!) Positive thoughts ;)

It's funny how often I get frustrated with something, come and complain/vent about it on this blog (which is its own sort of therapy), and then a day or two later the universe is like, "Girl, chill. Have some encouragement." We shared class with the kiddos again the other day, and when we do center together we split into groups of "kids" and "adults." The teacher gives each group a different combo, they perform it, and then we switch places. We had switched so that it was the adults turn, and the teacher said to the little ones, "When you're waiting your turn, watch Miss Glorie [me]. Watch her upper body--she moves exactly the way a classical dancer is supposed to move. I never have to correct her." I was humbled, and flabbergasted, and thanked her profusely for such a compliment. She danced with BOLSHOI, you guys. Handpicked from when she was young. I don't think I could receive a higher compliment, really. (I still like correcti...