Returning to Relevé

My dancing blog has turned into an ankle blog, but it can't be helped. This shit is rough, you guys. I have moments where I feel hopeful and excited, only to have something go sideways and I get depressed. I'm almost nine months post-op, and the sucker still hurts. Doing relevé  hurts. Pointing my foot still hurts. PLI É  hurts. I'm beginning to think I'm going to be in pain forever--I've had constant, varying amounts of pain since August/September 2015 (and before that it came and went depending on injections). That's TWO YEARS (plus). When will it end??? I have diligently done my PT exercises nearly every day since December. I've started retaking classes, only to have to cut back because it hurts too much. I don't know what to do anymore... I'm so depressed.

I had an epiphany last year, in the middle of all the ankle trials, that there will come a day when I won't be able to dance anymore.  I'm not ready for it to be quite so soon, so I promised myself that I would try to do something amazing when my ankle healed. My goal? To audition for the Rockettes . I'm mildly insane, I know (those ladies work HARD, and long hours. But they also get to wear amazing costumes .) I'm still working my way through my feelings about this decision: Me: Why not? I have a strong ballet background and do decently in jazz and tap (though I need to work on the latter two a bit). I definitely won't embarrass myself. Also Me: I'm insane, everyone else who auditions is 10+ years younger than I am. I'm too old, I definitely won't make it. Me: But maybe I could? Also Me: Girl, no , you can't even do wings in tap yet. Me:  Whatever. It would still be an amazing experience to go to Radio City and dance! My larger plan ...

At the end of May I saw my surgeon for my last post-op appointment (following an episode of peroneal tendinitis, because of course). Near the end of the appointment, he told me I could start dialing things back to normal, and that I was good to go (though I would get some pain at the ligament reconstruction site for awhile yet). I forget how it came up, but I remember him mentioning the athletes he works with and how, because I'm a dancer, he has placed me in that category. My response was, "I don't feel like an athlete!" Then, you guys, I got a pep talk. He told me to focus on the things I CAN do, not the things I can't. Everything will come back in time. Even little steps are steps. He reminded me that I'm not just recovering from surgery, I'm also recovering from all the stuff that came BEFORE. When I thanked him for the pep talk at the end of the appointment, he said, "I give a few a day." Ha! He's right, of course. I started ...